When Two become One
Developing Oneness in Your Marriage
In the book of Genesis God said it wasn't good for man to be alone so He made him a helpmeet.
Genesis 2:18 And the LORD God said, [It is] not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him. God knew the desperate need of man and made for him and of him a wife.
Genesis 2:23 And Adam said, This [is] now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh: she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man.
In todays society it would seem as if oneness and true unity in the marriage is an ever elusive and unthinkable goal for too many couples. Even believers struggle with developing and maintaining true intimacy in their relationship. It is widely accepted an normal when there is tension and disharmony in marriage and the results from this mindset is a marriage that has settled for less than God’s best. God wants your marriage to be a relationship of blessing and harmony.
Currently, your marriage may more closely resemble a war zone rather than an intimate interweaving of two lives. So let’s look at how we can develop a loving and lasting marriage.
You may be on a second marriage. Maybe you were abandoned by your spouse or maybe it was the result of neglect but never the less you need to know you are special in God’s eyes and He still wants for you to enjoy an intimate and fulfilling relationship with a spouse.
If you have been through a difficult separation and divorce in the past you must be totally and completely committed to your current marriage. Do not lice with the expectation that your marriage will fail. Commit and fight for a marriage that is all you ever hoped for and God designed.
A. Through Complete Acceptance
It is a biblical principle that acceptance is a foundational building block for lasting, intimate relationships. If there is one thing that could improve a couples relationship I would be this… you can not condition you acceptance on your spouse’s level of performance. You must accept them for who they are and what they are. This is the way God treats us.
The church is called the bride of Christ. We have many flaw and failures and are an imperfect bride, Jesus loves and accepts us the way we are. Your spouse needs and even deserves that kind of acceptance. Having a Christ like love means we accept based on love, not on performance.
B. Through Complete Commitment
Genesis 2:24 Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.
The word translated as cleave means ‘to glue on, to join one’s self closely to, to stick together.’ In the process of making plywood thin sheets of wood are glued together and stack to the preferred thickness and then pressure is applied. When the pressure is removed the glued is dried and set. The product is comprised of many different sheets of thin wood glue together to make a usable strong sheet of plywood. If you try to separate the thin pieces of wood you will destroy the entire piece.
This is exactly how our marriages should be… taking two individual lives cleaving together permanently. To cleave is to make an unbreakable commitment.
1. Make a Commitment to Raise a godly Family
When you get married you have a new purpose - a cause for which you are living. You are no longer a single individual living for yourself. That new cause is the development of a godly family that will bring honor and glory to God.
Every one of needs to recognize that his marriage is a cause. We need Old Testament lice on purpose rather than living a reactionary life. Those type of people are always reacting to a problem and never intentionally turning the tides for a successful marriage.
2. Make a Commitment to a Biblical Marriage
Realizing your commitment is just to the person you have married but it is also a commitment of obedience to God’s plan for marriage. Before the priority of being a husband or wife you have a commitment to being a Christian. You must follow and obey God’s Word in your daily life.
If we take care to ensure that our vertical relationships are in good standings then our horizontal ones will more easily be right as well. We must dedicate our life to obeying and living God’s will for our life.
Never allow yourself to fantasize outside of your marriage. God’s plan is for your needs to be met within the boundaries of your marriage. Many couples have destroyed their marriage be lusting for things outside of their marriage. Wishing for something better than what they have all the while they have completely neglected the spouse God gave them.
For you marriage to be what God wants it to be, it must have the place of importance that He planned for it to hold in your life. Some things have to be most important. If your marriage is to reach God’s highest goal, three convictions must remain priority items.
Many marriage struggle and die due to unresolved feelings for someone else. The marriage vows state ‘forsaking all others,’ and that needs to be the way you enter into marriage. If there is any emotional or romantic attraction toward anyone other than your spouse you are inviting an unwanted and destructive guest into you relationship with your spouse.
There must also be an emotional and physical leaving of the extended family. Young married couples should respect and honor their father and mother, seek good godly counsel from them, and have a love and appreciation, they must also learn to build their own families and make choices for their own family.
You will always need your family, mother and father, but they must never take a place of priority over your spouse. If your marriage is going to make it and mature into God’s design for marriage there must be a leaving of emotional and physical attractions outside the marriage relationship.
The word ‘cleave’ means ‘to be glued together’… ‘to be inseparable’… do you remember seeing the commercial years ago of the man testing super glue? He was a construction worker who used the super glue to attach his hard hat to a steel beam. They then raised the steel beam up and the worker was being raise too. The picture is the substance used to hold the two items together was strong enough even under the most demanding conditions.
So many couples threaten with attorneys or use children as leverage. These actions are not a solution for the problem. God’s plan is for you to ‘stick like glue’ to your spouse. I am not a fan of pre-nuptial agreements. You should never enter into a marriage making provisions or with the thoughts of your marriage to failing. Instead, be determined to dedicate and devote yourself to doing what ever it takes to keep your marriage together.
What there are entering into is more of a partnership rather than a weaving of a close relationship. Too many couples act more like roommates rather than an intimate loving married couple. God’s plan for marriage is for your marriage relationship to be deeply intimate on every level.
Notice a few areas spouses must weave their lives together….
First… Spiritual Weaving
The best advice I can give you for spiritual growth is to read your Bible. You can read the same passage and discuss it meaning and how your marriage can benefit form adhering to its truths and principles.
Build each others relationship with God. Do not ever discourage a spiritual interest that is shown by your spouse. If your spouse wants to do something that will draw him or her closer to the Lord, then by all means be an encourager.
One of the greatest secrets to a success in reaching God’s plan for your marriage is building on a spiritual foundation. Here is a simple truth… when both of you are drawing closer to God then both of you will inevitably be drawn closer to one another. Never stop investing in the spiritual aspect of your marriage.
Secondly… Emotional Weaving
It is impossible for a husband and wife to have the kind of relationship God has designed for us unless they spend time together. One of the greatest dangers and one of the most overlooked is allowing our lives to become scattered without real meaningful time together.
Your spouse needs to know that he or she is the most important person in the world to you. They should no question that they are worth the investment of your time. There are so many good opportunities that can distract us from the priority of building our marriages on an emotional plane. Your marriage must matter more to than a promotion work, a night out with the buddies, a hobby, etc… I encourage people to be involved in the work and ministries of the church but if we are not careful they too can become a distraction… keep the main thing the main thing and all the other will work its self out on our priority list.
We all know pastors who have lost their wives die to the demands of ministry… children of those same Pastors who children are resentful to the ministry because the ministry took their father away.
On a very practical level, you and your spouse need to be recreational partners. Find things you both enjoy and engage together. You must cultivate the time you spend together. Make an investment of time in building emotional intimacy in your marriage.
Thirdly… Physically Weaving
God’s plan for the physical aspect of marriage has been distorted by the devil and hijacked by hollywood. We live in a sex craved culture. God planned physical intimacy to be wholesome, unifying force with the marriage relationship. The focus on sex in our work has and is destroying relationships, as people selfishly seek to satisfy their physical desire outside of God’s plan.
Far too often sex becomes a battlefield for many couples. We must realize that the same God who designed marriage is the same God who designed the intimate physical relationship in marriage. It is God’s plan for the husband and wife to mutually submit themselves to each other to meet their needs.
Commit yourself to building a close and satisfying physical relationship. But you cannot start or build a solid relationship on just a physical basis… this is just one of the pillars of a healthy marriage. Don't allow this wicked world to define how sex should work in your marriage. It is a design by God to draw you and your spouse closer together.
Remember… your spouse will be everything in your life you could never be without them.
On our last study we looked at the Purpose of Your Marriage. Today we will continue building on the marriage and Pronouncement about marriage.
When God brought Eve to Adam, Adam made a very profound and defining statement that reveals the design and plan God had in mind for marriage.
Genesis 2:23 ‘This is now bone of my bone and flesh of my flesh’
As Adam looked upon Eve he was completely and totally satisfied with God’s gift to him and he embraced and accepted.
1. Adam's Announcement
First… Adam’s Acceptance of Eve
Adam must have been overwhelmed with God’s goodness in creating Eve for him. Think about this… what do you think it must have felt like to have all of creation brought before you, male and female, only to realize that in all the world there was no one else like you. Adam was facing a lonely existence.
Listen husbands… one of the most important foundations of marriage is acceptance. At the first when you first starting dating you never seen any faults in her… you were taken with her beauty, her personality, and her character. Far too often over time you allow yourself to focus on the negative, the small things in which you never payed attention to years ago…
By the way… you were looking for someone to accept you too and you found that someone in the gift God gave you, your wife. Acceptance builds relationships. The lack of acceptance that develops over time is a destructive poison in a relationship.
When you begin to criticize, critique, and judge you spouse you are simply chipping away at Beth foundation of your relationship. With each passing day and each blow of the hammer chipping away at the marital foundation its not long before we find a marriage with division, bitterness, and without forgiveness.
One of the best ways to keep a spirit os acceptance is the thank God daily for what He has given you in your spouse. Rather than critiquing and complaining about what you think is missing, what not be grateful for what God has given you. Remember, your spouse is the gift God gave you.
Secondly… Adam Honored Eve
1 Peter 3:7 Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with [them] according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered.
Honor = a valuing by which the price is fixed, of the price itself, of the price paid or received for a person or thing bought or sold, honour which belongs or is shown to one, of the honour which one has by reason of rank and state of office which he holds, deference, reverence
God created men and women differently according to His divine plan, purpose, and design. So we see then the need for marriage to be a relationship of honor.
Husbands need to demonstrate honor to their wives. It is a joy for a Christian husband to hold open a door, slide out a chair, to think ahead of her in household choirs (fold the towels, unload the dishwasher, etc…) to comfort her when she is struggling with something emotional, to express appreciation for her. She needs to know she is special to you.
Wives need to demonstrate honor to their husband as well. Far too often cruel and cutting words are spoken in public. The wife should refrain from humiliation and offer encouragement to their husbands. Just as the wife needs to know they are special, the husband needs to they are appreciated.
Adam readied Eve was something very special. Eve was made just for Adam. Think about what God designed. God created Adam and knew everything about Adam. God knew what Adam needed and He met that need with Eve, his wife.
God’s gift to you is your spouse and they deserved to be honored and appreciated. Your desire should be to be a blessing to your spouse. You should want your spouse to know how you feel about him or her, and you need to express your feelings audibly. This is a kind of honor and respect that builds strong and healthy relationships and in turn build a foundation for your marriage.
Faith, Your Marriage, and God’s Plan - Part 1
God is the creator and designer of marriage. It was God who made Adam and then formed Eve from Adam’s rib. It was God who brought Eve to Adam and preformed the first wedding ceremony. God is the only one who knows the inner parts of the marriage and therefore He is the only one who is able to maintain its most intricate internal functions.
So why is it that when it comes to marriage so many will seek help or advice from anyone or anywhere except God? Maybe it’s pride, perhaps we are afraid the Bible will instruct us to do something we don't want to do. Maybe we don't want to make any changes to our daily lives. No matter the reason it is foolish to ignore and reject God’s Word and the wisdom it provides.
If you desire your marriage to be a reflection of God’s Love, the world will label you and think you are crazy. If you desire for your children to learn how to be a godly husband or wife by your example then your family will be out of step with society we are living in.
listen, if you put your faith in God’s plan for your marriage you will never be sorry or regret on ounce of your effort. In following we will examine several truths for your marriage.
Notice in Genesis 2:18 the Bible says ‘it is not good that the man should be alone’.
After all of creation… God examined the sky, the stars, the trees, the animals and stated each time they were good but for the first time God makes the statement the it is not good. When God looked at Adam it was clear that Adam’s life was missing something… that Adam’s life was void of a vital and crucial element, Eve.
There are two vitally important things that marriage is designed to provide that can not be provided by any other means.
God noticed Adam’s incompleteness. Adam had all creation yet he was alone without anyone who could know and understand his need. Marriage according to God’s plan allows for our need for companionship to be met.
God created Eve specifically to meet the needs of Adam. No one could have done a better job at creating and designing exactly what Adam need than God. God perfectly understood what Adam’s needs were and would be in the future.
It is interesting that in a perfect environment and in a perfect relationship with God before the fall, there was still something missing in Adam’s life. We are designed to need each other and marriage is God’s plan to meet that need.
This need can not be met by society standards. The world today attempts to offer satisfying venues filled with friends and most of the time alcohol. Yet, those same people are still searching for someone who will love them unconditionally and accept them as they are without putting on the mask of who society wants them to be.
Genesis 2:20 ‘there was not found an help meet for him’
The word translated ‘help meet’ here is completer. God caused a deep sleep to fall an Adam and God took a rib from Adam’s side and made Eve. Eve was taken from Adam’s side to be a completer… to be something in Adam’s life where nothing else ever could.
Everything Adam was not, Eve was. They were designed to come together and complete one another within the relationship. Our culture and society are intent on removing, diluting, and blurring the true meaning of marriage as well as a wicked attempt to redefine men and women.
In view of the scripture we understand the difference is a gift form the creator. He has given us to each other to supply what we lack in ourselves. Men and women are very different and God designed marriage and put couples together to supply what is otherwise missing.
You spouse is God’s gift to you… God gave you a husband or wife to help you reach His goals for your life. Eve was designed by God specifically to complete what was missing in Adam.
People have different views and understandings of God’s creation of Eve. I read somewhere ‘God made man, looked at him, and said, I can do better… and man replied ‘God made the world, the beast, and man, then He rested. He made woman, and neither the world, beast, nor man has rested since’.
When we look at things from a biblical perspective we see that man and woman were created very differently yet each according to God’s perfect and divine plan. After God created them, He brought them together to meet His divine plan and purpose for marriage.
On a side note… Our children are learning at a young age from the pressure they feel in school they must fit a certain mold… they must be a certain size… they must have a certain hair color… they have to be like the crowd and our children are drowning in a lack of self esteem and confidence in who they are. They feel the need to ‘have someone’ in order to be normal.
We have the opportunity to teach our children biblically what it truly means to be happy and it is understanding why God created you and knowing that God has created a very special and very specific someone that needs you to complete them and so they may be to you everything you are not. God has given each person a gift that is only to be shard with your spouse. Don't get caught up in the world’s diluted definition of marriage and relationships. You are special… God created YOU just the way you are and He has that someone just as special He created just for YOU…